Singleness (Part 1)

943682_532065310198846_1220412194_n

“People who have been single for too long are the hardest to love. They have become so used to being single, independent and self-sufficient that it takes something extraordinary to convince them that they need you in their life.” facebook/saranaveedwriter

I found this statement in a graphic on Facebook. It was just a brown box with the white font. Several things bothered me about it, though I knew that part of what the author was saying was true.

The things that bothered me were: what is ‘too long’? Why are people who have been single for long times ‘hardest to love’? Why must they be convinced that ‘they need [emphasis mine] you in their life?

What I can agree with (if it was their intent to communicate this idea) is that persons who are over 35 who have never been in an intimate relationship, and have lived alone for 10 years or more, tend to be less flexible about incorporating other persons into their everyday lives and intimate places.

If these single persons meet someone new, it’s extremely challenging for the long time single person to accommodate the invasions and disruptions a new resident will bring into their daily life activities in every intimate way: physical, emotional, financial and even with dream shaping. The comfort zones are too well set, and often there are histories of losses to overcome that bring a sense of threat to the compromises that may be required.

Those things I can agree with.

What I can’t agree with is that the single person who has been alone “too long” is “hardest to love”. If that person has healthy relationships with family members and close friends, they are abundantly lovable and have avenues of sharing affection and love toward those other relationships. They are very well socialized and engaged with the ones they love and with those who love them. They will have been well invested in their beloveds, and will have done extraordinary things to help their beloveds succeed when those beloveds struggled. They’ve similarly had to ask for and receive extraordinary things from their beloveds in order to overcome adverse times. This is part of what every human incorporates in their lifestyles to thrive and live well: a support system. I just don’t think that these folks are “the hardest persons to love” in anyone’s life, just because they are single, self-sufficient and independent.

I also don’t think that because someone hasn’t found a reason to become intimately involved with anyone else, that they ‘need’ to have something extraordinarily convincing that they are ignoring a “need” that only another person can fill.

While I know that not every person who is single is in a healthy state, neither is every person in a relationship in a healthy state. Relationships don’t necessarily bring us to health, though they can always enhance our health and help it to flourish. We’re social creatures, after all. The thing is: we have to realize that we are responsible for nurturing ourselves – even if we’re in a relationship! Only I know what my needs are, and I have to first acknowledge them to myself, and then communicate them to others who can help me find the things that will relieve my needs. The very same is true of you, and every other person alive. We are self-aware, but we don’t have telepathy, and neither does anyone else.  We need everyone else to reveal themselves to us, and teach us who they are, and how we can bless them best.  We need to do the same for them.

If someone begins a relationship with another primarily because they need them, that relationship is already on shaky ground.

I wholly agree that we have sexual needs, and even dreams that require a partner in life to see them come true. Having a caring and devoted team member to help us enjoy sexual affection while achieving common goals – like growing a family – is a huge reward in life that changes your world view like nothing else can. Even if there will be no children, the immediacy of having someone to talk to when ideas bear fruit, or when we’re being crushed by our losses is like nothing else in the world, when the relationship is benevolent, respectful and interest is strong in each other’s individuality.

However, if you are trying to join up with someone because you are driven to obtain certain life goals more than focusing on the right blend of the partnership, then you’ve only tried to force a union to a timetable. Instead of growing into a healthy union with another person you have strong healthy feelings of respect and affection toward, you become part of an unhealthy relationship that will probably get more toxic as it continues as others wince to watch. Instead of having a partner who enhances your strengths, you may end up with someone who saps that very dynamic from the heart of you. Or worse, YOU could be the one sapping it from them because of the mismatch! This is the failure and sorrow that many long time single persons are avoiding, and that is very healthy and wise.

What I really think the author was expressing was frustration with their search for a mate. Probably someone who is over 35, and looking for someone over 35 who’s interested in being their partner. The search is not bearing much fruit, and their pool of candidates is getting more and more shallow. Can they ever accept that being single could be good for themselves, instead of getting bitter and blaming others for their being alone?

What do you think? Do you know of some single folks who are living well and probably never going to get involved with anyone else in an intimate way? Do you pity them or do you envy them? Why?

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s