When the first few hours of 2016 began, I saw someone post on Facebook about their word for the year. It was the word that they would focus on getting a better grip on, and some offered courage was their word, another faith, and yet another was for patience. I read the explanation, and realized it wasn’t just what you felt you were lacking in, but what you really wanted to experience in the coming year.
With that idea in mind, I realized that I honestly thought that Understanding would be my word.
I wanted to understand my beloveds more completely than I did. We’d all fallen out of touch again, and I wanted to remedy that. I need to know more about what they are identifying with, what they are longing for, what they laugh about, and what they are afraid of. I couldn’t answer those questions for anyone I valued, it seemed. Part of that was because my phone had limited minutes, and part of that was that we were all so very busy with life’s requirements: work, family responsibilities, chores, etc.
I also wanted them to understand me better. There were too many times where I was getting hurt by something that might have seemed harmless to my beloveds, but really landed hard on my tender places. I felt I wasn’t finding good ways to communicate what needed to be communicated about what hurts me, and what I longed after.
I have to attempt this and be ever mindful that I don’t want to fall into self centeredness, and that I am a recovering codependent where there’s a danger of trying to control others. Also the danger of rescuing others when they aren’t looking for a rescue = disrespect, and implies that they don’t have enough power of their own to work things out their way.
So, my options are to work on understanding them, and then wait and see if that contact helps them understand me better, too. I want to spend more time listening to them, so that they know they are heard and even validated if they were in doubt about their worth. I don’t want to compete with their narratives, as we are so often prompted to do. I know that many times people are just trying to show that they understand our predicaments, but it does just the opposite, really. It shows that you care more about your narrative than theirs. Worse, you may even have interrupted them before they were done relating their narrative. I see this all of the time, and work on keeping myself from doing it. I may fail here and there, but I’m alert to it, and working on it at least.
On second thought, Understanding may be the right word for more than a year, being honest. We’ll have to see how it works out.
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At work, it was sad to take down all of the Christmas decorations, and things looked a bit – blank. So, I went to Goodwill, looking for some inspiration, beginning with flowers in my vase. I love how the bouquet turned out very much, and it should be perfect right on through Valentine’s Day. I have some snowmen cups that I have put throat lozenges into for anyone who needs one, as well as sugar-free hard toffees. I have a cute snow couple cut out, too.
So, here are a few pictures from work, though I am “on furlough” for a few days until they get the funding worked out for my staffing agency to pay me to return. This is a challenging time for me, but – working with staffing companies is the best a woman at my age and stage can find. They pay me better than any job I’ve seen yet, and the work is exactly what I love to do: document editing, spreadsheet actions, and even some meetings and minutes to manage. It’s a blessing to find a job that has me doing exactly what I love to do, and pays me enough to enjoy a mediocre life, I admit it. It took me so many long years of adversity to get to mediocrity that I honestly soak up the unfamiliar comfort of it.
Which is why I’m a bit frazzled that I may be trying to live on Unemployment benefits if they don’t get the funding worked out (yes, I applied as soon as I was compelled to stay home).
So I pray a lot about getting back some equanimity and remind myself that God is the one who has it all in His control. He’s my Spouse and my provider. I have to stop fussing at Him and just trust Him like I know He’s died for me to prove his love. Well, that’s what prayer time is for, hm?